Tuesday, January 27

Nutrition: Cripes, I need to lay off the Larabars. Or start making my own.
  • 6-eggs, pork roast, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 830-coffee w/ CM
  • 1030-Larabar
  • 1130-half LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-chicken, toast, half LB
  • 330-LB
  • 615-fish, summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple w/ SB, bootch

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 92% quality. How did I get to bed so late, WTF was I doing? Good question. No answer. Slept soundly, woke naturally.

Healthy Movement: Achey deep-left glute again, but improved throughout the day and fine in session. Session felt pretty good; nothing impressive in the numbers, but form was beautiful.

Fun & Play: Super productive work day, lotta progress made. Timmy in my session. Good talk with Dustin. Awesome class, a newbie and much chitchat afterward with BL and AS. Possible BL is joining HH and I tomorrow night at LCSP! (And yes, maybe now I'm just being stoopid with the abbreviating.)

Stress Management: NSS posted the 2015 T&S dates. I'm actually unsure whether I want to do it. It's fun & it's beautiful, yes. But it's not much of a challenge anymore, which is acceptable as not everything needs to be hard, but it's rather a lot of money for what amount to frustratingly short, slow runs that aren't even on the best sections of the SHT. And bringing so much my own damn food for most of it, yet still paying the same amount, is seriously fucking annoying. And while the group has always been fairly fun, I'd truly rather spend more time with my already-beloveds. New people are good, but spending a weekend only surface-connecting, when I could instead strengthen the already-deep bonds I've got with my precious peeps...I guess I'd just rather go (farther) up north with my running besties. 

Experiencing the Superior 100 with BK & crew, man, it was just SO MUCH MORE than the T&S. The very first year, the T&S created similarly deep connections, but not since then. I think it's because we were all friends already going in, and we just became BETTER friends. I didn't really have a desire to connect with everyone last year. I just kept thinking how much better it would be with my ROUS family. 

So, I went ahead and set up a poll to figure out a ROUS weekend to go on up there. We simply must make it happen. Yet...how do I NOT do the T&S again, I'm the only every-single-year veteran! 

Hm, maybe I can do both, it doesn't have to be either/or, I guess...yet how much can I afford, both financially & maritally? I've already got the Spring Superior 50k, Tahoe, Superior 100, then possibly a ROUS weekend and the T&S? This is a span of 6 months; will the hubs be okay with me being gone a full weekend every month without him? What if he comprehends just how insanely fulfilling that would be for me? Could ANYONE possibly comprehend that, besides another social-butterfly of a trail runner?

Monday, January 26

Nutrition: Easy. Easy easy easy. Yay!
  • 515a-eggs, pork roast, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 830-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 10-ham stick, coffee w/ CM
  • 1p-chicken w/ mustard, apple, coconut butter
  • 4-Larabar
  • (430-7m run)
  • 7-veggies & pork rinds w/ salsa, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 74% quality. Woke at 3a to a scampering Hanky, but I just yelled at him & rolled over. Wasn't at all solid from there onward, but I did fall back.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling almost normal. Low back still a touch over-reactive on stretches. Logged a lap at LCSP with a bestie, and it felt pretty great. Faster than Saturday but a million times easier: happiness!

Fun & Play: Class. I finally called Mary and we talked for an HOUR. It was absolutely positively wonderful. So happy I did it, so thoroughly wish I had done it sooner. I came away so thankful for her good fortune and flat-out loving my life and everyone in it. Bit of chitchat with the hubs as he hit the halfway point of the hog-hauling trip. Half-lunched with BK. Left work early, paper piles & to-do lists be damned. Ran my favorite lap of my favorite park with my favorite running buddy in warm January daylight and caught up on our lives. What's not to love?

Also, we have devised a new Sabrina phrase: hulk-hugs. Imma start giving 'em left & right!

Stress Management: Made plans to leave work by 4p today despite the stupid workload. Hoping that fewer hours can save me. Plus, I get home early enough to get a few things done at home.And on Tuesdays & Thursdays, when I'm there later for class, I'm going in later. If I can't sleep in, then maybe I accomplish a chore in the MORNING that I would usually do at night. What a concept! This doesn't always work, because teaching class is not exactly something I can claim as a reason for missing an accounting deadline, but at the end of the month? I'm doing it. Fuck it. Life is not work. Life is LIFE. Perspective.

Sunday, January 25

Nutrition: Ate too much but it was more craving/munchy feelings, than the raving hunger of the other day. 
  • 615a-eggs, chicken sausage, bacon, toast, coffee
  • 8-Larabar
  • 10-cran-blueberry crunch
  • 1230-jerky, c-b crunch, Halos, Larabar 
  • 3-kind strong bar
  • 530-pork roast, fruit, chia bootch
  • 630-SB&J toast, apple w SB

Sleep: 9 (!) hours in bed, 9p-6a, 92% quality. At least an hour before I fell asleep, but solid once I did. Woke around 3a when the hubs was up & leaving, but back out after that. Dozed 5-6a but got up feeling rested, finally.

Healthy Movement: Body is significantly better. Almost normal. Managed to log a few sets of 5 pulls, and they were okay. Standing at tax firm in Vibrams (yay, uber-casual days!) with occasional sitting. At home, pure & total laziness in front of the TV. 

Fun & Play: Knocked out a ton of work at DBB. Laziness w/ Clyde. Plotting out a couple trail runs for the week. 

Saturday, January 24

  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM, Larabar
  • (630-7m trails)
  • 8-Larabar, coffee
  • (830-yoga)
  • 10-SB&J toast
  • 130p-iceberg, tomato, cukes, deli lunch meat, can Zevia
  • 3-chili pistachios
  • 530-Larabar
  • 7-pork roast & fried plantains w balsamic, fruit 

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 86% quality. Lots of tossing & turning according to the graph, but I don't recall. I woke & dozed around 4a. Alarm buzzed to get me up in time to run. I truly should have shut it off and stayed in bed. Spent the day very, very tired. Tears level of exhaustion was achieved. Napped for an hour, 4-5p.

Healthy Movement: Body did as expected on the "usual" trail run, which is to say that it was hard since I'm currently a meathead, not a runner, but I managed to finish feeling decent. At yoga afterward, we began some good, thorough low-back stretching, and mine Freaked The Fuck Out. It nearly seized up coming into a standing position. I suspect that post-run, when I got cold & shivering, it tightened up, and I should have eased very, very slowly into stretching it. So I did that when it freaked out, ignoring the video & doing gentle, slow, mild stretches in various positions. I nearly began crying with frustration that it should be so sensitive, but I held it together, barely. By the finish it was feeling normal again, but I was thoroughly exhausted.

Entire lower body ached like a motherfucker for the rest of the day. Rode in a car for 1.5 hours, got out with an aching left core & glute. Sat on the floor for about an hour, laid on it, stretched here & there, continued to feel awful. Felt better when I could stand or sit, so I did that. Another 1.5 hours back home, nearly falling asleep, and again felt rotten after that. Ache ache ache.

Solution? More sleep. I don't care if I start going to bed at 8pm, this body needs more recovery than it's getting. No more extra stress[, husband!]. I have the ability to live in a sty of a house without it bothering me, so I need to find more similar fucks to stop giving. I can start with moderating my work hours a little; fuck 'em if I start missing deadlines, it's their own goddamn fault. It's not going to benefit my employer(s) if I kill myself. I can also let down my friends if a planned running date is going to make me worse, not better. That might be enough?

Fun & Play: Trails with friends. A beautiful sunrise. Texts with my truest besties, BB, BK, & LT, letting them know how much I miss chatting with them. Time with the in-laws. Household-wide napping. Hubs time.

Stress Management: On the drive to LCSP this morning, tired and emotional, I began to cry as it sank in: I miss my friends so motherfucking much. It is 100% goddamn clear to me how much interaction I need on a regular daily basis, and how that need becomes life-saving when I'm stressed. This was one of the worst weeks ever, and the hubs wasn't enough since he was part of the problem; I only got a half hour of BK early on, nothing later as we both seemed to lay low & avoid each other (and that certainly added to the stress beatdown); I got a ten-minute dose of Timmy post-official-meeting; I got a few texts with my BB. I did get supper with HB, but not until I was already exhausted. None of that was enough to help me calm down and work through the mental stress of the week.

It's not like I wanted a bunch of coffee dates or suppers out because that would have added commitments (of which I already have far, far too many). I think this is precisely why the constant back & forth with BK is so perfect: tiny blips of delight that take tiny bits of time, done at my convenience. Or being able to talk with BK or HH on a run - I'm already going to run anyway so it's not an additional commitment, just an enhanced one. (That said, I didn't even get to bring it up with HH today, because even though I would've been fine to share with DQ as well, I was working too damned hard just. to. breathe.)

So that's why I texted all of my besties to work on re-solidifying the convos, and I shall let the hubs know why I need this much texting interaction: he is not enough. No one is. I need the help of all of my people, all of the damn time, and he has to accept that. Otherwise he gets the messy crying heap I became today, and neither of us wants that.

Friday, January 23

Nutrition: Tried to eat extra today to avoid deadlift soreness and mitigate tiredness. I managed to avoid adding coffee at lunch, despite being at the cutest little coffee shop in the world. Or at least in Minnesota. Okay FINE just in Sauk Centre. 

Fuck though, could've eaten my fists off today. Not cravings, all legit hunger. Nothing satisfied. For supper I went for my max-cal combo, hoping that would give me a semblance of recovery by tomorrow. 

  • 445a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, SB&J toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar 
  • 1015-Larabar 
  • 12p-southwest-type salad
  • 1-apple, Larabar, jerky (salad too damned small; and still hungry as shit; I basically needed a whole 'nutha meal, WTF?)
  • 330-bacon jerky, Halos, apple chips
  • 630-Daiya pizza, pint AZ

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 73% quality. Not enough. Thanks a lot Hank, ya fat jerk. So. Tired. 

Healthy Movement: Feeling some all-over stiffness from deadlifts. More in the back than in legs or glutes. Also, HANDS. My fucking hands ache. What? Low energy at lunchtime. Low low low. Took a short walk around 3p to the gas station and started to feel sore glutes then. Sore by eve. Near "tears level" of exhaustion on the drive home. Ugh. 

Fun & Play: Hubs time in morning and evening. DBB instead of TS, a good change of pace. Fun peeps there! Love the work as well. Lunch with Mom, although I was [much] less than alert or chatty. Everything felt like Shit That Does Not Matter. So tired. FB silliness with assorted peeps. Clyde snuggles. 

Thursday, January 22

Nutrition: Interesting observation today: MK made two kinds of healthy chocolate cake (that I could eat) for the team, and had me try one; she talked through the recipes and about some others she didn't make, etc. I took a piece and it was tasty, but...I didn't really care. I would've been fine if she hadn't made it. I didn't want the recipe for either one, I didn't care about trying them. I just...didn't care. Zero craving for the sweet treat whatsoever. More of THAT mentality, please!
  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar
  • 1030-jerky, toast
  • 11-paleo chocolate cake
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-ham sticks, apple, Larabar
  • 4-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-eggs, ham, potatoes, decaf (Trav's!)

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 86% quality. Better; don't remember waking up at all.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good. None of the niggles. Session was TOUGH and I suspect that I may hate Dustin on Saturday morning. SO MANY DEADLIFTS.

Fun & Play: PJ chitchat. LT chitchat about marriage, yo. BK chitchat about god, people expect me to work? What? Why? I don't wanna!! AP chitchat about lifting and the brain vs body and OMG I love it. BB chitchat. Leaving TS early! Good session. NSS peeps. Fun class (on PTO, I came back & taught my class because it's fun, not work!!). HB supper at Trav's.

Stress Management: Working on things in my brain.

Feel annoyed about keeping the hubs informed as to when I will be home: I struggle with this so much. I am a grown-ass independent woman and I don't need someone's permission to go running in the woods. But I'm not asking for it, and he's not giving it; it's just nice for him to know when I'll be home. So it's a courtesy. But for some reason I see it as "checking in" to get permission, and that chaps my rough little feminist hide to such a degree that I am blazing hot about it. Trying to remind myself: courtesy. That's all it is. Calm your shit.

Feel guilty that I need so much ME time: My brain is telling me I'm selfish for wanting to spend so much time working, teaching, running, lifting, yoga-ing, volunteering - all of which time is spent not-husband-ing. But I need to do them, more than I need any one single person: yes, even him. Doing these things has turned me into the person I want to be. I like myself about 8 bajillion times more than I ever did in my first 30 years. And so I refuse to change; I refuse to dislike myself again. I will be living the rest of my life with that voice in my head, and I need her to be kind & proud & loving - not a critical cunt. And so, if the hubs, or my friends, or my family, dislikes that, it's just too bad. But I shall not change. It's not selfish to do what it takes to love myself. But...I can find some compromises in my ME time.

I made a tiny little effort today by culling a bunch of FB friends that I won't miss. Still have room to reduce the crap I'm seeing on my feed, but it's a start that means less time spent on FB. Also thinking maybe we have a regular "date night" that involves making supper together. (I know, right? I am SO EXCITING.)

Temperance: In the spirit of giving fewer fucks about shit that does not matter, I've decided that I'm done with eyeshadow. I eliminated both eyeliner and nail polish about a year ago, and haven't missed them even a little bit. It took a while to get used to how I looked without the eyeliner, but we're talking a week, tops. And I immediately got used to the time I saved!

So, next up: I'm calling eyeshadow a stupid fucking time-waster. I guarantee that no one else cares whether I wear it or not, so why should I? Some people will notice it's gone, but I'm positive no one will care

Although, I am telling you, the first asshole to comment that I "look tired" is going to see me pull this out and silently write in it, giving them the stink-eye as I do:

Wednesday, January 21

  • 445a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 745-ham stick, Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1030-macadamia nuts, jerky
  • 1245p-chicken w/ mustard, orange, Renola
  • 430-Larabar
  • 730-chicken, fruit, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 845p-430a, 88% quality. Took at least an hour to fall asleep, and woke at 4a to prancing Hanky. This is Not Good.

Healthy Movement: Body feels better today, but I spent the entire morning debating the lunch run. I only wanted to do it if it would help the brain. I was doing better by noon, but not enough to go out. (Also annoying was worrying about how my hair would look for the all-team meeting post-run, for DUMB.) Yoga was planned but canceled on me. So, total rest day. Whatevah.

Fun & Play: Class helped lift me up a little bit from the funk. Chitchat with LT helped as well. Seems the "quality time together" issue is really quite common amongst couples! Wanted to lunch with BK to talk about his recovery strategies, but there was a speaker in the lunch room. So, some other day, gah. Progress on cleaning up phone. Hubs time at home. BB chitchat.

Stress Management: Still a bit of a mess. (Better off when I don't think about it. Obviously.)

Guilty about having changed so much that the hubs & I now have little in common. Yet I'm not about to give up any of my newfound loves, because I refuse to go back to being the person I was before. (I never want to be weak or lazy again!) And that makes me feel extremely selfish.

So how do I reconcile these two extremes? What is in the middle that we can do together? Dustin's suggestion was spending some time watching TV together. Ugh, I have a million things I'd rather do (and need to do) than waste my time on TV shows. I'm thinking that at the very least we could eat together. Because we haven't done that in YEARS. (Thanks, 100% Paleo.) I guess it's a start.

I'm also angry that this issue has severely dropped off BK communication. I'm discovering that I crave daily chitchat with my peeps; it doesn't have to be BK, but it needs to be SOMEONE, because I feel lonely without the chatter. Turns out I actually can't live in spreadsheets all day every day; I need great big huge doses of my people on a regular basis; who knew?!