Sunday, February 7

Body: Slept much better after a protein-based supper. Woke a couple times, but never needed to get up. Lifting went okay: lunges instead of squats, decent bench, mediocre deadlifts, brain fine with all of it. Snatches were pretty fantastic: did 110 in 5 minutes with about a full minute of rest included. Hot damn! No PWO nap, didn't need one - that's unusual.

Brain: Got to start the day paying bills and cleaning up my financials, and these things make me happy. Fun with lifting. All planned chores completed, never left the house, had hours to read the book my BB recommended (LOOOVE), snuggles with pets, and time with hubs before he disappears down to FL for 10 days. Pretty much a perfect Sunday.

Saturday, February 6

Body: Woke h/s/g again. I think this is happening because my suppers are too carb-filled, which is challenging to change because my brain seems to Need Carbz. But I am out of potato chips, so I will keep them out, and that shall help get me back on track with protein & veg as primary intake. RIGHT hip was pinchy on steps today, are you goddamn kidding me?

Brain: Another Saturday at the tax firm while everyone else plays. So, you know: awesome. Actually it wasn't so bad, was able to fix up a messy QB file and do the return in only 9 hours, compared to 16 for the same file last year - win! At home, ate with the hubs, read on the couch with the hubs & Clyde, and laughed at the Hankster.

Some things I'm finding to help the brain: shut off the audiobook sometimes. Too much constant chatter in my background is bad. Have been avoiding the NS podcasts to see if that helps the body image issues. Been hiding even more people on FB - which results in less time on FB, so there's a win inside the win. Using my "sunlight" lamp thingy in the mornings as I get ready. Regular intake of supplements: dessicated liver, cod liver oil, & vitamin D (as espoused by Stefani [and others]). It's all helping.

Friday, February 5

Body: Tired, tight, crank. Woke at 230a h/s/g, and had to get up. But YAY, I managed to do yoga when I got home, which was super impressive despite it being a very easy video (I did something!), yet it also felt demoralizing, as my body feels entirely out of whack, tight just everywhere. I need to do at least a weekly round of yoga. Maybe since it's not too physically demanding, it is something I can do on a lifting night (I get home earlier those nights, and with more mental energy left over).

Brain: Okay. Fine. Busy. Meh. Yoga helped a little, with silly pets in my way. Finished another book, with cuddly Clyde in my lap.

Thursday, February 4

Body: Feeling fair, better than Tuesday in terms of left hip pinch, and session went well, but couldn't hit the deadlift PR. Close, but the bar drifted forward, and although I was strong enough to hold it & shift myself backward to try to save it, I couldn't. When Dustin asked if I wanted to try again, I didn't want to "not row" so we moved on*. At home, I took one of my new library books downstairs and spent time biking & reading, then stretched the hips, because even the right one was a bit crank today. Started double dose of Vitamin D today.

Brain: Still not very good. Being at NSS helped, especially since we got Trav's for my 4-year anniversary (of starting VERY part-time), but after the session I almost started crying in the bathroom, just feeling like "why does my body suck, why am I so weak, I can't deadlift 235 from blocks even though there are bitches who can SQUAT that, oh, and I can't even squat because my body sucks, because I suck. Will I ever be good at this? It's not fair! I'm weak AND fat AND ugly AND lame AND," cue tears. I repeated to myself, "Depression lies. Depression lies. Depression lies." over and over and over until I could blink the tears away.

*RE: deadlift attempt, part of the reason I didn't want to try again is that I didn't want to FAIL again. I already failed at a PR on Tuesday. I didn't need to fail twice at a PR on Thursday.

Work meeting helped my brain recover somewhat, not being able to hear the cunty internal voice helps so much. Met my BB at the library to get my egg delivery, and then together we browsed books, and those things helped my brain immensely.

However, a thing I noted at the library, was standing and looking at the new releases, I saw a book on my list, and I nearly grabbed it, but I thought to myself, "Well, I'll let someone else read it instead. I don't need to take something off the main display here. There's other stuff on my list." Now, is that me being generous and letting someone else discover the joy of author Melanie Benjamin, or is that me feeling unworthy of taking the latest & greatest? I would like to say it's the former, but I can't argue with the truth of the latter.

Wednesday, February 3

Body: Woke h/s/g at 2a...been a while since that has happened. Feeling some soreness from the lunges but nothing in shoulder. Hip is weird. Must go home and do some mobility stuff...but didn't. Tired again and just couldn't care. My brain is being destroyed by the long taxy days.

Brain: Meh. Busy workday. Not good, not bad.

Tuesday, February 2

Body: About 7a, I squatted to a bottom drawer at NSS, and the hip was immediately crank. So much so that I couldn't squat the BB without pain, so Chief modified me. But bench was buttah and we tried for a PR, but it wasn't perfectly-grooved, so I couldn't. But it felt good to try. Laziness at home, but I didn't hit the couch until 7p, thinking the QL tightness is related to couch time. Fucking body.

Brain: Not that good. Not low, but can't get high. Not depression, but gazing at it. Focusing on max sleep, max reading of fluff, and avoidance of all things body image. May have to stop posting on other blog for a while, because it's a bit of a trigger. Dunno.

Monday, February 1

Body: Fine. Hip better. Shoulder better. No workout option, eve RFL meeting. Tired.

Brain: Tired. Impatient. Disliking tax season. Nearing crank levels. Being as kind to myself as possible: low on commitments, high on quiet book-reading time. But still.